Tuesday, December 30, 2008

raising black boys to black men

so yesterday on the drive to st cloud I got to thinking about something someone said in an adoption forum.they were concerned about how a white parent could possibly teach a black child to grow up to be a black man.

the conclusion I came to is, it doesnt really matter if you are a black parent or a blue or green or pink or white. you teach the kid to be responsible and caring. you teach them right from wrong. this is not a black vs white issue. its a human issue. Sure a white parent might have a learning curve in dealing with discrimination but together with their child they can come to conclusions that are appropriate. so how are black men different from white men beyond the color of their skin? there are good black men and bad black men. likewise there are good white men and bad white men.

it all depends on the man. you can have a child grow up in poverty and surrounded by violence and yet he grows up to be a good and responsible citizen. You can have a child who grows up in luxury wanting for nothing, and he can grow up to be a sociopath. so why the big deal about white people raising black children? it shouldnt matter what color either is. what matters is the ability of the parent to teach the child and raise him and parent him until he is grown.

is it better a child should die of starvation than be raised by a family with a skin color different from his own? Is it better a child should sit in foster care never knowing a permanent home just because he cant have a home that is black? If a white child was placed with a black family who could take care of them and raise them to be responsible productive citizens then I would be ok with that. so why the big deal about white people raising black kids? its this age old double standard. we should not let skin color dictate our hiring, or friendships, or interactions, but at the same time we SHOULD let skin color keep a child from a home? all of a sudden when it comes to raising kids we should seperate the colors? that makes no sense at all.

I have YET to meet a person of any color that I had a problem with personally based on their color. I have had friends who are black, mexican,spanish, mixed race, white. they are all just people. if we arent supposed to judge black people based on their color, why are they judging white people based on color?

people are just people! good or bad. black or white. rich or poor. you have to judge each person as an individual. I do not want to be judged with the likes of leona helmsly just because I am a white woman. I do not want to be judged as like the adoptive parents who have killed their children, based only on the fact that I am an adoptive parent. I want people to look at ME and say good or bad based on my actions or inactions. thats the way I try to look at other people. yes color is important, its part of who you are and should be celebrated. but it shouldnt be the sole decider of who you are.

Monday, December 29, 2008

about my friend

I took my friend to st cloud this morning. the "hotel" I dropped him at was gracious enough to let me in even though they didnt open till noon. I fully expect to see him again as all his family has to do is pay 50 dollars in the next 5 days to get him home. I was also informed that there is someone in this county who takes care of these kinds of friends. Will have to look into that as there seems to always be some new "friend" who needs a place. Sorry Car, I was unable to look in on your friend. but I did ask and they said as long as there is no food agression they will find them a home. so I imagine your friend has found a friend of his own or is well on his way to finding a life partner. My friend was so loving on the ride. I hated to come home without him. He just wanted me to love on him. He wanted to leave with me. He really and truly believes I am his person. Thats what I get I suppose for having a heart.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I love languages

I wish I could speak them all. I could learn one probably in whats left of my life but which one? russian? german? spanish? I know a smattering of each. maybe something else? I think I am fairly fluent in American(not English, thats different). I think it would be fun to speak something other than pig latin. Not that anyone would understand me but I still think it would be fun. The part I can't understand is how you get past translating into the language and start THINKING in that language. Immersion maybe. I think when we went to Mexico my Spanish was coming back and I had to think less to translate but I dont know that I ever got to the point of THINKING in Spanish. Not that I know that much to begin with but enough to pay the cab and find a bathroom = )I am not of Spanish heritage. I AM German, but there are no German speaking relatives left. I have a little RUssian who might enjoy learning Russian with me, but at this point he is mastering American. Spanish would be most likely the most useful but maybe not. I dont know.I just love languages. I love to hear them. I love to imagine being able to speak them. if only I really COULD speak them all.

A whole houseful of cranky. want some?

today we went ice skating. the kids had a good time. we all walked up there and they skated awhile and then came home again and made hot choco and Maia has been losing it ever since. her candy cane was broken. sister took her spot. ethan called her something. sister isnt talking to her. blah blah blah. cry cry cry. she is beside herself. she has no idea why we are not dealing with these terrible injustices against her. Daddy is not helpful at this point. he is tired. reading the paper. tuned out. angry that I asked him to interrupt his busy schedule to parent. I wanted to stay home alone awhile today but that didnt happen. I wanted to get out yesterday that didnt happen either. he is on call next weekend all weekend. I neeeeeed to get away awhile....alone. but I guess that isnt going to happen. cody and chrysta are home from their dads. chrysta is all attitude and uppity. Not sure why she doesnt share her lovely attitude with her dad. oh thats right because no one asks anything of her and they only do fun things. so all in all its not been a lovely day. oh three down now, one to go. Ethan is wailing because I want him to clean up his room. I cant even walk in there. his clothes are everywhere instead of putting them away. so lets see that leaves just cody to be pissed off. I guess I might as well get that out of the way now, so I will go tell him he has to get off the computer for awhile so sister can have turn. not that she deserves it at this point.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

so on a list I am on they brought up the fiasco where they took all those kids from their parents who were polygamous. I am not saying that it is ok to marry a 12 year old. I am not saying its ok to have sex with a 12 year old. that said, I get to wondering if they took the kids out of fear for their safety or because they lived outside the norm.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Maia wants a barbie with flat feet. mattel needs to move into this time when women do not live in their high heels all day every day. We have flat feet, we wear tennis shoes, and other shoes that do not require feet at a 60% grade.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I am outraged that they mayor even ASKED the city to foot the bill for his drunken brawl. I am even more flabbergasted that the council agreed to pay it. How has this man stayed in office for so long? His city is obviously not his priority. He is lookin out for number one, and not even considering the people of this city. Just like they stuck us with the paving of that road....because they promised the maintenance guy they would pave it. not because it needed it. not because the people were screaming to pave it. but because they promised the maintenance guy as well as the owner of the new development. This town is so assbackwards and screwy. the entire city INCLUDING SEMI TRUCKS drive on that new road. yet only the families who live on have to foot the bill. I grew up on a truck route so I know the damage that is done by them. sure am glad we paved that road up.....so we can pave it again in a couple years! but I digress. Back to the mayor and his legal problems. How did this become OUR problem? when did we become responsible for his adult actions(no matter how juvenile they were). I cant believe the council went along with this. and they let him vote on it! he should have recused himself. it directly affected him. god I hope the new mayor is better than this one.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Plea for the children

Reecesrainbow.org has special needs kids that need homes. some of them are severe. many of them are downs syndrome. I am hoping that anyone reading this can spread the word and also go there yourself and donate to a child's adoption fund. Even if its only a dollar. That dollar, that one single dollar could mean the difference between a child with disabilities getting a home and a loving family, or dieing in an institution never knowing the love of a family. It just breaks my heart that these kids just wait and wait. I am but one person. I can not do much for all of them. but I can spread the word that they are out there. I hope you will at least go there and look at their little faces and hope high hopes for them. Pray for them if you pray. I wish there was more I could do.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

quote

Saw this quote on my friend Mardi's messenger. It reminded me of Car. THe kind of thing she would say wow. tht is just so right on.

it said "be a fountain...not a drain"

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

sick sick sick. icant talk. not even a little. I can whisper. but thats it. If I try to do anything more than that I might get a croak but then its back to whisper. I was bad yesterday. I had two cokes. but I figured hey I didnt have one for about 3 days. so how am I going to get through this day without being able to yell at my kids? not that I yell at them a lot but I cant even yell to the next room to ask them a question? I remember once when cody and chrysta were small and I had this crud and couldnt talk. I whispered at them and they whispered back. it was cute. My faithful loyal furry companion is here by my side. he really never leaves my side. unless eric is here then he lays at my feet. I have three comforters on the bed right now so I guess its a nice squishy place to lay. I didnt leave the house yesterday. couldnt. driveway wasnt and isnt cleared all the way. I figured as cold as it was and as much snow as there was no one else would be going anywhere anyways but the kids were still mad that we didnt go. Only two more days until Eric's long weekend. too bad his mom has to work so we cant go anywhere.

Monday, December 15, 2008

coooold

today we saw a sundog. this is the third sundog I have seen. mega cool. Moondogs are way cool too but the sundogs seem to say "the sky is falling" because I am sure there is some scripture somewhere that says something about three suns meaning the end of the world or some such nonsense. anyways its just plain neat to see a sundog, or a moondog. I never saw a single one before I moved here. I guess MN is the home of the dogs, moon, sun or otherwise.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

fat quarters

Today i made a triangle hair scarf thingy for chrysta from a fat quarter. I also made an adorable apron for Maia with 2 fat quarters. I had leftover only one strip of selvage I cut off. I definitely think I used them wisely. considering how to make an apron for Chrysta too.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

from maia

mndot 511

what the hell good is a travel weather website if the last time it was updated was 10am YESTERDAY!!!! i cant find another site. this is sponsored by MNDOT and they always say call 511! or go online to 511.com WhATEvER! Today is Chrysta's piano recital. it has been snowing for HOURS and our road is not plowed in the least. not ONE plow has been through here since it started snowing at 11am. its now after 3 so I guess we arent going. It is still snowing but not as heavily. We are supposed to be there by now. I decided not to risk the entire family for a piano recital. I tried calling the piano teacher but she didnt answer. so I guess we will just be no shows. I can't imagine we will be the only ones. if she had planned it here in Isle I might have tried to get out. But why should I travel 20 miles roundtrip in a foot of snow?

The kids have shoveled the driveway and Ethan has been out to play several times, coming in to eat. He likes hot chocolate and will go out for ten minutes so he can come in and have hot choco. but I am out so he is just having a high old time out there. The sledding season has officially begun. they were out there today and yesterday sledding.

To someone who is thinking about couples, you know who you are, its really annoying when the other half of the couple is never home.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Ethan

Once again my brilliant boy, left to his own devices found himself a way to learn to count to a hundred and above! he was playing with the measuring tape and started counting along the numbers and he (with a minimal amount of help) counted up to about a hundred fifteen. This kid is the epitome of unschooling. he doesnt have a lot of structure. he just plays what he wants when he wants. he has been known to be found sounding out words, writing little notes with real letters and even on occasion real words like mom or dad. funny how this kid just searches out knowledge and I cant pound it into the older ones and when left to find it themselves they refuse.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

ARRghhhH! after 4 months of waiting, the call came. it was not what they said it would be it was something comepletely ridiculous! 1800 a month ridiculous!! are they out of their freaking MIND! I am moving to CA where the law would have already dumped her from our pay roll.

Friday, November 28, 2008

go look at this! OMG!

http://millelacsmessenger.com/

This is the place you go past every time you go to my house. As much as I have not felt a part of this town, I feel terrible for the employees and family of the business. this was early this morning. Thank goodness I am gone. I would be freaking out if I was there. they evacuated part of the neighborhood. and the clinic. Eric is fine. but my heart really goes out to the employees and owners of Merit Enterprises.



and India. good lord. the pain I feel today is indescribable. I watched an interview with a man who escaped and the terrorists knocked on his door and he didnt answer. he would likely have been killed if he had answered. he knew only one person in India and knew where he was so he didnt answer the door. A 13 year old girl and her father, a rabbi, were killed. so sad. India is such a fascinating place. the people of India that I have met were always kind and I feel for the country and its people, as well as the families of the victims, wherever they may be from. My heart is just so heavy today.

bittney spears

I heard this new song on the radio last night by BS. It was not impressive. My 4 year old comes up with more original lyrics when she is dancing around making up songs about the dog.

I went to the big sales today. Menards was an absolute MADHOUSE. I waited in line to check out longer than I spent shopping. but I got some good stuff. I decided I am too nice to go to this thing any more. I am not a knockerdowner gimme what I want DAMMIT! kind of girl. I say please and thank you without even thinking about it. I help people who appear to need it. I am just not bitchy enough. so there you have it. I am just too kind to shop on Black Friday.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

this made me cry

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=3906861&cl=10725417&ch=4226713&src=news

Friday, November 14, 2008

over a barrell

her attorney will NOT respond. she tried. we tried. so we are deadlocked. and again the court has been cancelled because the attorney has failed to serve us AGAIN. I am so fking sick of this whole thing. The ex wants to settle. we want to settle. yet her attorney stands in the way because he refuses to DO anything. meanwhile all of our life plans have to sit on hold. I am so sick of being on hold. when does my life start?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

new baby

my friend from residency just had a baby boy. he has down's syndrome. and a host of other medical issues. she has 5 other children including one adopted from Guatemala(who brought his own health issues when he came home). I sure wish we lived closer to her. she was so helpful to me when I was pregnant and after Maia was born and I was released without baby. She got my kids from school when I was in labor. and kept them. she kept them when we went to russia, twice. she was my shoulder when I lost my baby. she was the one I called when I was having an irrational hormonal mother moment while still in the hospital after having Maia. She dropped everything and came over to the hospital to make sense for me. I know she is in a tough place right now. I wish I could be closer to help.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

room change is DONE

I need only to get a bed frame for ethan. but all of the furniture is in the room it belongs. Maia is not doing well with the change. Even though its been slow going and taken nearly a week to complete. she doesnt want to sleep down there. and the bunks we had are apparently recalled so I cant get rid of them. I cant use them either. can I recycle them?

 

12 years ago this morning(323 am) Little pouty face Chrysta arrived sucking her thumb. We had cake to celebrate. and her favorite dinner. When I was a kid we got to choose where to go for a birthday dinner. We instead let them choose the birthday dinner they want me to cook. They all pick tuna hot dish. ask them any day of the week what they want and they say tuna hot dish.  but it is hard to believe 12 years have gone by so fast.

If she is 12 that means E and I have been together for 10.  That is impressive too, where does the time go?

this is how they hunt apparently

deer hunter

MIL a little nasty. why am I not "grown up" for wanting children I can take care of and can afford to feed and clothe and house? I should grow up? Since when did the MIL decide what the family does? the family does what the family does and MIL either likes it or not but doesnt get to decide.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

busy busy busy

only one room to go! and its an easy one! Cody is all set up in his new room all his own. I think he will like that. he has shared a room with Ethan for years. Ethan dumps his stuff on the floor DAILY. This way Ethan can have HIS own space too. he can play in his room(when he shared a room he coudlnt really play in there)and he will be closer to mama so that works out good too. Maia is the unexpected hitch in all of this. she doesnt WANT to move to the basement. I guess I could put her and Ethan in the bunks but I SO WANT TO BE RID OF THOSE! THey were never the ones I wanted. They were just what I could afford at the time.

So tomorrow's line up looks like this: move the girls bed to the basement and then cook squash and peel apples.

our oven door will no longer close all the way. so I have to cook the squash in the microwave. I dont know what happened to the oven door but it leaks BAD and I can stick my fingers right in between the door and the frame easy no problem. thats a pretty big gap. so now I need a new stove I guess. It is really about time but this isnt good timing as the fridge needs replacing too. the handle keeps coming off and both are about 15-20 years old and not in the best of shape any more. grrrr.

Friday, November 7, 2008

he was here all day last saturday and guess who just showed up for the evening.

Will it be a long night or will they show up to take him home?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

AAAARRGGGHh!!! i hate linxsys! My router stopped working. I had to find time to return it to st cloud. I finally did and guess what? the BRAND NEW ONE I got doesnt work. And I dont mean it doesnt route, it doesnt even turn ON! I plugged it into several outlets. nothing on any of them. NO POWER! now when am I going to get back to st cloud again?

today

a heart shaped pickle

a red bookshelf that is just what I was looking for.

a bald eagle

a lot of rain

possible beds for the boys

a crabby husband

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

while some of use this morning were THRILLED to pieces with the events of last night it seemed to me that one was out of sorts. Something was up. was it the election? I dont know. Maybe my Obama tshirt made her uncomfortable. or maybe since there were no other of her godly friends there she felt out of place. I wonder what was on her mind. I dont want her to feel left out, but at the same time I dont want to be insulted either. so I hope she was just having an off day.

Imagine

waking up this morning knowing you will be president of the united states. Imagine waking up next to your partner knowing he will be POTUS. Imagine the smiles on the facces of those little girls as they wake up knowing that their father was elected to the highest office in our country.

I know there was a lot of rejoicing across our great nation last night. My family woke me to tell me. I just couldnt stay awake. My friends called. People in Chicago's Grant Park rejoiced with screams and shrieks. History was made. Our future looks bright.

Today I will wear my Obama shirt. I can't just stop supporting the man now that he was elected. The people have spoken. I look forward to a future different from our past.



on a side note in the paper today was a quote from Ayers. he talked about palin saying the Obama palled around with terrorists(or soemthing on that order) and his response was what does that mean? Does that mean sharing a milkshake with two straws or something like that? which cracked me up.

Monday, November 3, 2008

4H cookout

well the holy mackerel people were there. she(the mom) yelled at my kid. that doesnt make me happy. then she let her 2-3 year old go ahead and roast himself a marshmallow in the fire while she visits. she was rude and snotty to me. she only came to me talking all sweet to tell me that she was starting up a choir. I am thankfully not looking for more activities. LESS activities would be good.

and I found out that band at school has started. Chrysta has been taking lessons with the band teacher all summer under the premise she would start in the band. she told me it woule be oct or early nov. but the teacher never informed us of startup! it started several weeks ago! but she kept giving lessons each week. What the heck is up with THAT?

overall I think the cookout was a success. We went through 60!hotdogs and pretty much everything else that was brought. There were TONS of kids and parents. We tried to do this about 3 other times. we had to cancel when I was in the hospital in the spring. and the time before that it rained for like 2 weeks before and rained like the devil the day of. We had to cancel. so everyone was happy to finally have it. The kids even got in a game of kick the can.

ps car, sorry you missed it.

obama/election

awwwww. Obama's Gramma died. That is too bad. I bet she wanted to live to see her grandson win the election. how sad. and what a lousy time for Obama to have this happen. Kind of takes his mind off of the important work of fighting for the office of president. but I like to think that she will visit him at a later date and let him know that she is well where she is. I sure hope he wins. It will be a momentous joyous occasion for sure!


Jen called me today and guess what I get to do? I get to find out the unofficial tally and call it in tomorrow night to jen with the dfl. This is the first time I have been at all involved in the political process. YEsterday was knocking on doors, we went to rallys for GKJ. we have signs in our yard. and now the unofficial tally.

I sure hope Obama wins. I sure hope Gail Kulick Jackson wins. I hope Lisa Fobbe wins. I sure hope Michelle Bachman gets voted out by a million!

titanic

last night I watched part of Titanic. The end. It was horrible. Disturbing. as always. I sobbed. as always. I looked up the list of victims. It didnt include nearly as many children as the movie depicted. It was still heartwrenching. I first saw the movie in theaters with my ex husband when it came out. I cried then, I cried every time I have seen it since then. There is a scene where a mother in steerage is tucking in her small children and telling them a story until they fall asleep while all around them chaos ensues, water rushing in. I just can't imagine the horror a mother would feel knowing that there was nothing she could do to prevent her children from being drowned. Knowing full well they would die. My heart just bursts with the horror of it all. I cant stand to think that something could happen to MY babies.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Today

we went knocking on doors in Milaca for Gail Kulick Jackson. Most people werent home but we walked a LONG WAYS and talked to a few and left Obama and Jackson flyers at all the others. We also got a OBAMA SIGN for our yard!! YAY! Even if there are only a couple days left, we gotta support our man!

We took the kids to Hardee's for lunch as payment for their service = )

Eric took big Ole for a little hunt. Ole was so excited to go. Ethan was too tired to go after walking all over Milaca. usually he cant WAIT to hunt with dad. but today we couldnt talk him into it. so Eric went alone.

Now its relax time until dinner. The big kids are doing dishes. Since Chrysta had a temper tantrum this morning she isnt going anywhere and cant use the computer, watch tv or use the phone. She almost had her password back for her email but now I will change it again. seems to make an impression on her. at least for a little while.

My feet are tired.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

ode to chaos

Eric in his flannels and I in nightgown
had just settled in after a night on the town.
When at the front door arose such a clatter
I jumped to my feet to see what was the matter.
I put on a robe and pulled back the shade
turned on the light and out the window gazed.
and what to my wondering eyes should appear?
but a big brown dog who shouldn't be here.
My dog starts to bark and the other joins in
they tell us quite loudly this isn't their friend.
They bark and bark no end in sight
I can tell right away it will be a long night.
We used to call for his family to get him
but when they dont come he just wants to come in.
He was quite a nice boy but boy his manners, they stunk
as did his fur since his run in with skunk.
So we turned out the light and went back to bed
listening to the barking filling our head.
We knew come morning he would be gone
but he will be back, he's never gone long.
Why don't we keep him? He thinks he lives here.
but we have two dogs already and they just won't share.
so we drift off to dream and think well, that's that
but we always know, he will be back.
Another day or another night
when its dark or when its light
he will be back for a visit or two
in winter summer spring and fall too.
That's the story of Chaos, not so hard to tell
It's really quite easy, we know it so well.

Friday, October 31, 2008

I just don't even want to try anymore

There is this family. They do not live NEAR me. Only within the same town. I am being purposely vague. They have a dog. I have a dog. Their dog got lost once and I found him. I kept him until we found his home. he was a nice boy but not much on manners. He comes to visit us still. He comes, I call them. they come get him. or alternately I call and they dont come get him. and sometimes I just dont call because it is late at night or I am just plain sick of it. so one of their kids is in a group I lead (again vauge) and since the rest of the family tromps along and sits and just waits during the group meeting I mention the dog to include the other kids, to relate to the kid in my group, to just have conversation with the mom. well apparently this distresses them greatly and I have been "making jokes" about their dog visiting us. If you kept your dog HOME on a LEASH, or at the very least NEUTER him, he wouldnt BE at my house. so how is this now MY fault? I am so done with this town.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

this town is too whacked

no you can not sell your wares at the farmers market, but I am sure you would be welcome at a flea market.

no we cant teach your kid to swim, he is afraid of water.

and now, no we can't have your kid at church because after we set them on fire and then we feed them red juice(and dont tell me red food dyes are harmless) and then tell them sit down and shut up and yours cant.

No we never know who you are at the store even though you have come here darn near 7 days a week for over 3 years.

I am just hurt and pissed and upset and angry and on and on.

No one likes to hear their kid is in trouble. but its even worse then its so fucking STUPID. No one is saying anything about the girl who uses the F word and climbs the walls and has a sassy mouth like crazy.

I have NEVER felt the way I do in this town. never. ever. I have lived about 10 different places. some small towns. some big cities. some mid sized cities. none has ever treated us the way they do here.

That said, I AM thankful for the few good friends I have and that I feel I can count on. The ones who tells me dont fret, we dont all feel the way the rest of the town does. The ones who willingly spend time with us. The ones who show up when times are tough. I AM thankful for them. I just have to come to the place where I can say the rest of the town can GO TO HELL.

Friday, October 24, 2008

thinking

We went to the big new library the other day and they have a nursing room with a comfy chair and table. It was attached to the bathroom but not IN the bathroom. This got me to thinking. Why is nursing so controversial? its feeding a child. these moms are not trying to flash their breasts.and very often there is NO SKIN visible, OR the mom has completely covered baby and herself with a blanket. so whats the problem? No one ever says oh god go feed that baby in the bathroom I cant stand the sight of that bottle. Why are we so hung up on breasts? All the way back to the time of christ women's breasts have been used for feeding their children. when did it turn so bad? When did it stop being a nurturing loving moment between mom and babe and turn into something so horrid we cant stand to see it, and thinking all nursing mothers need to be banished to another place away from us? I just dont understand. Doctors encourage moms to nurse their babies. it is better for baby. but society knows better than doctors and health professionals? I remember in Iowa we talked about having a nurse in. I was a part of a group that was VERY pronursing and there were several nursing moms in our group at any given time. I couldnt nurse. I had a breast reduction many years ago. but I was more than willing to sit there and pretend I was nursing along with my nursing friends to send a message that nursing is ok and natural and not a big deal. Nothing ever actually came about though. But I knew more nursing moms than bottle feeding moms when we were in Iowa and we knew tons of people that had kids. we were a group of 18 families and nearly all of them had kids. One was a female doc and even SHE encountered people complaining that she nursed her kid. Come ON people. wise up. give it up already. there are so many other things to be outraged about. people are killing each other. drugs are rampant. the kids at school are bullying and being bullied. be outraged at that. dont condemn a mother for doing whats best for her child.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Barbies and other ramblings

Maia is 4 now. She had one or two barbies but not that much stuff. I decied it was time. I dug out all of the old Barbie stuff I had been saving since big sister stopped playing with it. yes sir yes sir three bags full! and I sent her down to her dollhouse with it all and she flew in for lunch gobbled it up in a flash and was gone again. Didn't hardley see hide nor hair of her the entire day. She just played barbies. she changed their clothes. they danced around. she switched barbies and played with a different one. she played and played and played. For her this is nye on a miracle. She is an active child much like her brother and together they run run run and stopping to play one thing (one thing that requires staying in one placce even) is not something that happens very often with them. I also gave back a bucket of toys that I took away at one time. They didnt clean them up when I asked so I took them away. months ago. so it was like christmas when they got it all back. they thought I went to the thrift store and bought it all for them. Ethan stayed down there playing for a couple hours but once he FINALLY got himself dressed he couldnt resist a chance to be outside, as is typical. but hey even a couple hours is a big thing for him. Then he helped clean the gutters and helped in the garden. I went grocery shopping(ohhh big fun)and then we had a cook out. We were going to invite the new neighbors but the way Chrysta acted all morning I decided I didnt want to reward her and punish them.

Ehan is such an imp sometimes but when it comes to working on something together he is all in there helping out. He loves to take out the compost. he did that several times yesterday while Daddy cleaned the gutters. He loves to help in the garden. He loves to help set the table or clear the table. and if there is one kid I can count on to clear his spot after he eats it's Ethan. He likes to go to the store with me just the two of us. He DOESNT like doing things that are just him. he also doesnt like cleaning the playroom(who would) but I dont dump all the toys on the floor every single time they get picked up. I clean them up and say take out one or two toys and then put them back before choosing another. that lasts 2 minutes tops and he has it dumped again. I imagine it wont be long before everything is on the floor again. I know the barbies are all over the floor already. I wonder if she would like the furniture my mom and I saved all these years from my barbie days. I suppose it would just add to the chaos.

Eric has taken Ethan to go hunting this morning then in to round on his patients. leaving me with just Maia who is momentarily sleeping and will likely sleep in because I didnt go back to sleep. she usually is up at 730 like clockwork.I didnr go back to sleep at 7 because I didnt think it would be worth it. of course now she wont wake and I will have missed out on an extra hours sleep.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

parent child time/gripe session

If a parent likes to hunt and fish and ski and boat and do all sorts of sporty outdoors stuff and the kids dont, how can they spend some time together. Of my 4 kids, one loves to go hunting, hiking, isnt big enough to ski, and isnt fond of fish, but loves to be outdoors and loves to take whatever dad offers. The others do not want to do those things. Dad offers often to take them along on those things but they dont want to go. He says dont ever come to me and say I didnt spend any time with you, I offer all the time to do x, and x, and x. but why cant he try something THEY enjoy? (this is Car rubbing off on me) Ok so they dont like to hunt or fish or boat or ski, but why not play runescape with them, watch their favorite movies with them, ask them what THEIR interests are? he parents just like his father probably did. My way or the highway. I dont care what you want or like this is what we do. They do enjoy the bike ride they take every year to Duluth and each year want to start further and further away from town. They like their bikes, he likes his bike, why not take them on a leisurely bike ride now and then? not a ten mile trek, or a 70 mile braml but a bike ride around for fun? Why not play blocks with the little kids awhile? or color with them? why does it have to be all or nothing? I am starting to feel tired and much like a single parent. yes he works and brings home the bacon, he also grows the vegetables. but when it comes to the kids 99% is on me. Either he isnt here because he is at work, or doing something HE enjoys, or he is watching the news and/or reading the paper. I left the little two to get ready for bed and he heard me say it, and I went to print out my pumpkin stuff. I came back an hour later and he was still watching the news and the kids were not ready for bed. then when I came in he yelled at them to brush their teeth. While they were in the room WITH HIM and NOT getting ready for bed they colored with crayon on the bathroom counter, and scribbled with marker all over the mail. and he didnt know where the marker was or that they did it. how can you be in the same room and be so far away you dont know what is going on around you? They pull crap with him that they would never try with me because they KNOW they wont get away with it with me. but when Dad is in charge they go absolutely hog wild. it is like I have to be ON 25 hours a day and never leave or take a break because the chaos I will come home to is worse than staying home.

yesterday...ohhhh yesterday

yesterday was a nice fall day to get out. We went to a local farm that had pumpkins and pumpkin bowling, hay ride without hay,a corn crib full of corn that the kids could play in, There was a petting zoo, and a corn maze. The kids RAN into the maze and we went in after them and within seconds they were out of sight. we wandered our way through, zigging this way and that way, wondering if the kids were lost too. We came out the other side missing a couple of kids. Ethan and Maggie were sitll in there somewhere, and we thought the others were too. We waited and waited. Then Maggie and Ethan wandered out after following Kizzy's voice. We waited some more. Another straggler came out with another group. Finally we gave up and found them back at the beginning running around and having a great time. A couple of the older ones went to the grass maze which was apparently harder than the corn maze and got lost in there while the grownups sat down to visit a little while. Then we all went home. I got my kids each a little pumpkin to take home and draw a face on. All in all I think they had a pretty good time. It was fun to get out and do something different. I dont know if it was worth the 5 bucks per person to get in but we did have fun, and I am a bit cheap that way. Next week is the theater trip. We will see Peter Pan. I like this getting out and doing stuff better than hanging at the gym for a couple hours.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Dont drink the milk!





WHY? (whisper) It's poisoned!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

my trip

video

Holy Mackerel these religious people!

I did cloverbuds at 4H and one little girl was particularly annoying. She hurt her fingers doing rockets and went crying in to her Mommy. She wouldn't play with the other kids, unless it was HER way. She was bossy and annoying and didn't share well.  I was counting the minutes till it was over. but then MY kid said HOLY MACKEREL!!  (Mind you, her younger brother said Holy Shoot! not 5 minutes before) She yelled at him that it was a bad word. Then she argued with me about it. I said a mackerel is a fish, it is not a bad word. yes it is, my mom told me.  if you say holy that means worshipping something(she is like 5 or 6 at the most) I told her that was fine for her but she is not Ethan's parent so she doesn't get to tell him what he can and can not say.  The mom has volunteered to help the committee make table decorations  for the awards night.  She said is 9 to early? I said YES! Nine is ABSOLUTELY too early!( I have to drive 15 miles to get there and I have other kids to think of too) she said ok then, nine O' clock it is. Meet here at 9.  I don't think I am going tot take her over there. She will be mad. but I really don't know this lady and when I think about it, I really don't want her taking my kid to elk river. I am not essentially handing over my child to a virtual stranger.

chapter 2

Today was homeschool gathering day. 2 of our Obama Mamas didn't show. Two of us did.  Several of the misinformed but religious voters were there. They cant believe that we would support, endorse, or God Forbid VOTE! for "that one!"  he believes in abortion! he is a terrorist! he wants to take his oath on a quran!  And then we had to defend Islamic terrorist as EXTREMISTS just like Christian EXTREMISTS. One girl (whom I wouldn't have previously thought had a thought of her own) pointed out that Christian extremists bombing an abortion clinic in the name of Christianity doesn't make it ok, sort of like the  Islamic extremists who claim they do what they do based on the Quran. Islam in and of itself is not bad. The quran does NOT condone hurting or killing other people. I sort of felt like I was not even being heard.  One is convinced that it doesn't matter who we vote for anyway, the one who God wants in office will win. WHAT? God picks the president? why the hell do we bother with elections then?  Why do we have debates?  Why do we care who is running? Cus y'know, God is in charge and he will choose the president so what do they need us for?

 

running off in the abortion direction. If Roe v Wade is overturned and abortion is no longer available as some people hope, women will go back to dying in back alleys having botched abortions.  Women WILL get abortions. they will. if you make it illegal they will do it illegally and without regulation.  Of course you know that all of them got pregnant on purpose.  or at least most of them did. yknow, like they went out and asked to be raped.  That is such crap.  If a woman is in a position where she feels an abortion is her only option, then it should be available to her.  And how do you define abortion anyways?  It simply means ending a pregnancy.  by that definition I had one myself. The difference being I wanted the fetus but it didn't survive, but wasn't expelled. It was a very difficult time. I feel for any woman who feels abortion is what she must do.  Do people think that  women who choose abortion really just dont give a rip? that they have no feelings about it? That emotionally its no different than a trip to the dentist for a tooth extraction? Abortion is a touch choice but women deserve to HAVE a choice. You cant know what another person is feeling, or what you would feel in the same situation, until it is YOU in that position.  I do not think abortion is for me, but if I was raped would I feel the same? If I had 4 kids already and an abusive partner and not enough food to go around would I feel the same? If I was a year or two away from a college degree and a life that doesn't include living on minimum wage would I feel the same?

 

Basically I am starting to see WHY Islamic terrorists hate us. It is because of the intolerant Christian view of the world. They say the quran isn't the bible so it bad, Islam isn't Christianity as we know it, so its bad.  Christianity doesn't see the feelings or pain of others, only that "they know what's right" and you aren't following it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

what do I NEED?




is this our future? I sure hope not. But GW has done his very best to ensure it is our future. I like to think he didn't intend for it to turn out this way, but it did turn out this way, intended or not. I often wonder what life was like for immigrants and the poor. We are sure to learn first hand what it was like to have nothing. Think of the things you have in your house that are important to you. if you have to leave you cant take everything. what would you take? Your children of course. maybe photos. pets? Can you afford to feed the pets? will your children go hungry if you take the pets? what about those trinkets that remind you of this place or that person? you cant take everything. If I had to live without all the stuff in my house, I would survive, I am sure. All I REALLY need is my family, my friends, and my photos. I would miss my dogs terribly but I could probably survive without them. All the other stuff is just stuff and when I die someone will sell it all anyways. it isnt expensive stuff. its just memory laden stuff.I am a major memory keeper when it comes to stuff. I am trying to pare back in a HUGE way. I need food, warmth, shelter, and my family(which at this point includes the animals) I have many other conveniences and memory things and clothes that dont fit and tools I dont use. etc etc. I am constantly looking for things to lighten the load and simplify life and housekeeping. I am forever filling storage boxes.Then I take it all to the thrift store. How did I manage to GET all this extra stuff?

highlights from the trip

the train trip was fun. the leaves were all turning colors. We went on a tall ship and helped put up the sails. it was an 80 minute trip into lake michigan. It was a HUGE boat. Like 150 feet long. We ate Italian, Armenian, and Indian along with some American. I got bridged the last day there and watched about 50 sailboats heading in. All boats have to be out of the water by dec 1 so I guess saturdays and sundays are huge days for boat traffic. I walked and walked for THREE days! (and of course didnt lose a pound...go figure!) I took a trolley tour and saw a lot of great architecture. I got us all tshirts and magnets for family and friends who made it possible. I also got a hat that I love. Weather there was FANTABULOUS! we got home in the rain but it was still 70 degrees. We drove long into the night to get to Eric's moms house. We got there about 1am and fell into bed. The kids were up EARLY! we visited with Nels awhile and then headed home. The kids were so cranky there was much screaming along the way. Of course E had to stop and round on his patients. bleh. so I refereed the kids while he did that. they have no toys anymore at the clinic only a tv. dumb if you ask me but it is what the patients wanted. still dumb. We FINALLY got home and then my parents came with Cody and Chrysta and I went to get Ole. Life has been back to chaos ever since. Ole was so happy to come home he met me at the door of my car and got right in and patiently waited for me to return and take him home. He sat tall in the back seat just staring at me with that look he has. he was really smelly though. He probably found something in the woods to roll in. blech. he got a shower when he got home. He is not fond of showers but I am not fond of stinky dogs! today its back to normal. if you can call it normal. Cody and Chrysta are screaming at each other. maia is watching clifford on pbs, Ethan is downstairs supposed to be getting dressed but is playing and chances are he is still in jammies.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Chicago

This place is incredible. I have walked and walked until my feet are sore and blistered and then walked some more. The architecture here is incredible. We are staying at the intercontinental hotel on Michigan street. I have been to Borders, walgreens, Navy Pier, The American Girl doll store. I have watched the sun come up over Lake Michigan. The view from our room is spectactular! I didnt meet anyone to go around town with but I am enjoying it nonetheless. I did meet a gal in the elevator that was raised in BRAINERD! and here we are both in Chicago. On the train we met a couple from Naples, FL, which is where we went last January. Taking the train was great. the view was nice. We napped a little, talked a little, ate a little, played a little scrabble. You are free to move about the train so people were walking up and down the aisles and the bathrooms were on the lower level, we were on the upper level. This older lady kept coming up from the bathroom looking for her son. every time she came up the stairs she announcced "I am looking for my son" and we would send her in the right direction. At one point she came up the stairs and at the top she looked directly at me and I just pointed the right direction and she smiled in relief and thanks. There was a large lady who fell in our laps. Thankfully she didnt fall across the seats across from us as they had a tiny baby with them in their arms. That could have turned out badly. There were several Amish families on the train. I cant wait to take the train home again. If you ever get the chance to travel by train, DO IT! its much more comfortable than a plane, and its so much more fun. The leg space is incredible. Your seat is much like a recliner with a leg rest that comes out. Today I am going to the Field Musuem so I better get into the shower. Tomorrow we go home again. It has been a fabulous visit to Chicago.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

sample

this is a sample post using the pogram that came with myc omputer. Just wanting to see if and how it works.

more words of wisdom from "Little House on the Prairie"

remember me with smiles and laughter
for thats how I'll remember you all.
If you can only remember me with tears
then don't remember me at all.

Josephine

my dad calls me Josephine. always has. likely always will. I was thought to be a boy before I was born and was going to be called Thomas John just like my dad. When I wasnt a boy they were at a loss as to what to name me. My grandma Peg suggested Tammy Jo. So that is what they called me. It is as close as they could get to Thomas John. I never liked my name. But I would never change it because I am named after my dad and I would not want to hurt his feelings. so my dad calls me Josephine. My middle name is not Josephone. its just Jo. but thats just my dad, he has always called me Josephine. And Baby. he still calls me Baby. I dread the day I will no longer be called Josephine or Baby. No one else calls me those things. Only dad.

on that same note, my mom rarely calls me anything. Sometimes she calls me Cher, or Kath(cheryl and kathy are her sisters) by mistake or if I was sassy she will say TAMMY JO! otherwise she doesnt call me anything.

Monday, October 6, 2008


I love old houses. I love the stories they tell. I would love to hear the stories they could tell if walls could talk. They make me think of another time. A time when life was different. A time when people were different, yet much the same. I see old houses like this one and I want to hear the history behind it. How Grandpa built it from the ground up and Grandma refused to marry him until it was finished and how they raised 17 kids in two bedrooms and no indoor bathroom. How at christmas friends and neighbors would stop by and one of the children would play the piano and they would all have a sing along. And the struggles they had there, and the good times they had there. and how it was one a loved place. I want to hear all those things. I want to stop by the side of the road when I see these old empty houses. I want to just be near it and hear the house call out for love and how it would be a good little house if someone would just fix it up. I love old houses. I love how they represent another time and place that is no more. It is sad that when times change these lovely old buildings are left behind after many years of service. I am all in favor of fixing and restoring old houses instead of building new ones. I love when old is new again.

one room schoolhouse

There is an article in the minneapolis star today about a new school that is similar to a one room school house and they are teaching kids in a manner inconsistent with the public schools. they surround these kids with cool stuff like famous books. they claim that PS kids can not use uninterupted sentences because they can not think in an uninterupted manner. so they say things such as "it was, like, wow." I think people will be all up in arms saying PS isnt bad! but I think this is a great idea. Right now they only serve grades 9,10 but plan to expand to 11,12 as well. Too bad I dont live in minneapolis. I think its pretty neat.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

yay!

my husband invited some friends over to cook out with us! its always fun to cook out. its fun to have folks over too. We dont do that often. Like not since 4th of july LAST year, not this year.
I saw a book yesterday that was soooo appropriate. I didnt buy it, but I laughed when I saw the title. it is called irritable man syndrome. (IMS) and it relates IMS to PMS and how its not a recognized or acknowledged thing, yadda yadda. just the title alone was enough for me.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I dont know WHAT happened

but Ijust had to restore my laptop to its factory condition. As in lose everything. it was the only way. I didnt have a lot on here yet but I lost all my bookmarks too. stupid microsoft.

now on to my stupid husband. he doesnt get homeschooling. he doesnt get the kids. he dumped on me for the second time in as many weeks. I realize he is stressed but hell so am I. No need to dump on me and tell me how life sucks for you and you dont have all the things you wanted and you sacrifice everything(yeah cus I sure dont sacrifice for the family, right) and how the kids are not like your colleagues kids. and on on on on. I am sorry that he feels that way. I told him that. as in I am sorry you feel that way. he said no you arent. he is having manopause or something. he is really off. he wants the kids to be independent learners, or love learning but never gives them the chance and doesnt understand that loving learning doesnt mean loving to learn the things he loves to learn. they are individuals. and to some extent they are responsible for their destiny. If history doesnt interest them, they can learn something else. yes its important to know some stuff but if it isnt something they like why make a big deal about it, cramming it down their throats isnt going to make them love it. We are at a cross roads. sending them to school isnt going to help what he thinks is the problem. they dont love to learn, they dont seek it out, they dont get excited about it. that isnt going to change sending them to school. I would like to see them self motivate a bit more but they dont. I see it as a journey and he sees only the end, and in his mind at this point the end means digging ditches for a living. That may be but it may turn out differently too. He and his brother were both late to their careers. I was late to go to college. he is just pissed that one of our kids is having trouble functioning and the guy we saw suggested we medicate him and see if it helps. if it doesnt, no harm no foul. to him that means he is a failure as a parent. he said on the way home his entire parenting career has been nothing but disappointment. thats really sad. I think he is setting himself up for disappointment. he is acting like his dad. if you dont become what I think you should become and in the manner in which I believe you should get there then you are a failure and I have failed you as well. thats not right! I suppose I shouldnt post this here but jesus christ it isnt like I can talk to anyone else about it. just dont mention it ot him.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

trying again

video I made this video, it isnt great quality but it was fun. I made it in the middle of the night on a whim so I had to go digging online for photos I could download from my photobucket and webshots. it was fun making it. I am workking on another about the journey of Ethan.

tryin this out


testing testing. new blogging tool in windows on my laptop

theburbfam.jpg (image)

theburbfam.jpg (image) this reminds me of a happier time. or at least a time when all appeared to be happy. I am sure behind those doors they were not as perfect and happy as outwardly seen but it was a simpler time and in some ways I long for that

this is how I feel today

religion again

When I put maia to bed she likes me to lay with her and sing to her. I sing whatever I can recall the words to at the moment. Usually its you are my sunshine and baby baby and a few others she likes. but I reached deep and came up with a song I liked as a child. it says they will know we are christians by our love by our love yes they'll know we are christians by our love. This of course got me thinking. makes me wonder what every happened to THAT KIND OF THINKING? I wouldnt mind christianity at all if it was about that. but it isnt. maybe at one time but not anymore. also this mindset would go a long way in earning respect from other countries who hate us. I am not naive enough to think that all is hearts and flowers if we just love each other enough but don't you think that it could be BETTER if we were always loving? loving people. loving communities, loving towns, states, countries. yes they'll know we are christians by our love.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

public school mentality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noVC5Jt2Gu8&feature=related

I had something to say here

and now I cant remember it. One week till we go to Chicago. I guess I ought to start thinking about what to bring and get a book to read on the train. 8 hours on a train should provide plenty of time for reading. I probably wont read a word though because I will be too busy looking out the window or talking to my husband. When we went to Mexico for about a week we each brought only a backpack. I dont think we can get by with that again though. When we went to Mexico we met a family of 4 from the states. Mom, Dad, and two daughters. They had a total of 12 bags. TWELVE! We didnt even have that much luggage traveling home from Russia with a toddler! I have to think about some snacks to take on the train. We will eat probably in the dining car at some point but I am sure its overpriced! so i want to be prepared with something to eat. Since we arent leaving/entering a country we can take fruit. We did take fruit when we went to Russia, but we knew it would be gone before we got there, and it was. I am looking forward to going to Chicago but I wish Eric was going to be with me all the time instead of at his conference. Maybe there will be some other wives there. It is fun to make new friends.

Friday, September 26, 2008

youcan win a free handbag!

go to handbagplanet.com and you can enter to win a free handbag. they are giving one away every hour for twenty four hours on their grand opening. You can enter without giving them much personal info and no credit card required. Go there and enter. You even get to choose the handbag you like best!

september beach day, try THAT in public school!

A beautiful day on the beach! at the end of September!! The kids were swimming and playing in the sand and on the slide. They had a great time. Moms had a great time chatting about everything from Sarah Palin to Waldorf schools and everything in between and beyond. A very nice afternoon for all. I have absolutely nothing to rage on about today. A bit of vitamin D exposure does wonders for me. = )

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

religion

my friend posted about religion. this always gets me going. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with anyone else's choice to be religious. It just never stops there. they feel they have the right to tell me what I should believe. and also tell me how to live my life so I follow THEIR rules of faith. I should not have an abortion because they dont believe its right. I shouldnt do this or that because it isnt right in their eyes. I think a lot of people make choices that turn out badly and could have taken a different road and had another outcome, but I dont think that is the same as my saying I dont believe in X therefore neither can you. No one is perfect. we all make bad choices from timem to time. Freedom of religion also means freedom FROM religion. Today I had an experience with religion, we were talking about PS and how things have gone downhill there. and one person said something about how they couldnt send their kids to PS because there are so many divorces going on and its just too bad in the public schools, (as if divorce in and of itself makes you bad, and beyond that a bad parent!) another concurred that Satan is really having a hey day. I was really hurt! I am divorced. I am married to a divorcee as well. The fact that our first marriages to other people didnt work out does not mean we did not try, does not mean we are bad people, does not mean we are bad parents. On the contrary I think we are BETTER people and BETTER parents because of it. It was just one of those bad choices I mentioned. This is where I start to think organised religion is about making yourself feel better at someone else's expense. anyone who doesnt believe what you believe is "less" in their eyes. Not to mention people of God seem to "know it all." hell we couldnt have evolved! I dont care how much proof you have! And God wouldnt create a world that man could destroy! therefore global warming must be a myth. man I could go on all day about this topic. I totally respect people's right to religion, but why cant they respect my right to NOT have religion.

Monday, September 22, 2008

interesting book

I saw it on trading spouses. it was called fascinating womanhood(or something like that)

its about how the man is the the MAN of the house and you the wife have to be submissive to him. sort of the 50s throwback.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

tomorrow

my(oldest) baby boy will be 14.

Dang

when will it be over? this is dragging on and on. I am sick to death of the entire thing. its been going on for 2 years~! I want it to be done! I dont want to sit and wonder anymore. I just want to go about my own business and not worry and wonder when it will backfire. I want it DONE! stick a fork in me I am DONE DONE DONE~!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

best buy visit

looked at laptops. decided to check out a router for the laptop I have. Waited and waited while several sales people attended to two flighty yet pretty young women who were asking things like how many computers can I put on a wireless connection? How do I hook it up? Do I need internet service? (yeah in the way you need blood to have a heart attack)I am sorry I am not a pretty young thing. I never was. I never had young men fawning for my attention. but hey this is best buy not a popularity contest! they are getting PAID to pay attention to overweight women with children who have MONEY TO SPEND as well as flighty young girls who dont buy anything (and true to form, they didnt buy a thing) All it would have taken was a little nudge and I would have bought a 700+ dollar laptop. instead I bought a 70 dollar router and left with bad feelings about best buy. ONE salesperson attending to them and I would have patiently waited. THREE and I am pissed off. I guess I am just cranky lately. but I am cranky with money to spend and now I will spend it somewhere else.

edited to add: I tried emailing the customer service dept. no go. I filled in all the blanks but it would not accept my letter. I guess if you dont get ANY mail you wont get any negative feedback. I called them and guess what? the wait time to complain is FIVE MINUTES! way to put the customer satisfaction at the top of your priorities best buy.

Monday, August 25, 2008

testing. what happened to my other posts?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I dreamt last night I had a baby boy and He was very early and they kept him in a dryer(no really a dryer, not an incubator) and I didnt go to him and when I finally did I was crushed with guilt and held him and cried and cried and vowed to never leave him again. He looked so much like sheamas. of course in the next scene I wasnt with him I was on my way to see him. so I guess I left anyways huh? And I wanted them to put cloth diapers on him and they didnt have any so I had to make my own or bring my own. wierd. But Kristin was there and comforting me with her little girl. (she doesnt have a little girl, she has two little boys and isn't even prego)

Friday, August 22, 2008

It really isnt fair. It isnt fair at all. I dont care what anyone says, it isnt fair. I dont want to play the game anymore. I quit. We can't all be so selfish and self absorbed that we lose sight of our children and the other children of the world. Someday when she is lying alone and is REALLY sick she will MAYBE think back and be sorry and wish she hadnt been such a bitch and that her children would come and visit. or maybe not. even then it will be oh woe is me, poor me. someone ELSE take care of everything for me. I cant POSSIBLY do anything.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Oh lets see. what can I go on about today. well, not much because I am too exhausted from cleaning my house all day. but boy its amazing how nice and clean it looks now. kitchen livingroom and dining room all tidied and clean clean clean. maia even mopped the floor. she loves to do that with the swiffer. now if I could just get the dog to stop slobbering all over the kitchen when he has a drink of water.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

It is a chilly day

The kind of day you want to curl up in bed with a fluffy comforter and a good book. And since I am all kinds of behind in my book reading I am hoping for a chance to do just that.

My mother told me the doctor that delivered my oldest daughter just up and died. she was 51. scary. I liked having a woman doctor for my delivery. Not that I much minded the man doctor who delivered my son. I just think that the women doctors who delivered my daughters have a better sense of what is going on on MY side of the bed. They have been there. they know. they understand. They have felt my pain. They were soothing and calm with me. (although I did NOT find the female nurses in the labor and delivery of my son to be soothing at ALL!) I remember so clearly the moment in delivering my youngest daughter where I snapped at my husband and doctor to SHUT UP! They were good friends and colleagues. I was also her friend but didnt spend nearly as much time with her as he did in working alongside of her. They fell into a familiar banter and I was feeling "hey! this is about ME dammit!" and I snarled at them to shut up. I generally do not speak to my husband that way. It isnt me. He still laughs about it. anyways, Dr English thanks for all you did. I appreciated you being there. I hope wherever you are now is even better.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My letter to my senator

Dear Senator,
I am writing to you about the lack of legislation regarding spousal maintenance, also known as alimony. There are many guidelines and rules for child support, but almost nothing for alimony. My husband's now ex wife came back SIX years after their divorce and convinced a judge she needed alimony. He had since remarried, added several children as well as worked hard to further his education. She did not support him through his schooling. We, his new family, did. She does not have minor children at home(nor did she when the ruling was handed down.) In fact, she handed care of their then minor child over to someone else.

While I fully support mandatory child support, I feel that alimony is too easily given with few guidelines. It is almost solely at the discretion of the judge. There is no consideration that we are also putting the children of that marriage through college. I am all for supporting the children, but as long as alimony is so freely given many parents will have to choose between sending their kids to college or supporting an ex spouse. Please do what you can to bring about some new legislation regarding Alimony. As it stands now, it amounts to legalized polygamy. Please help our future generations by providing laws that will benefit everyone, not just the ex spouse who wants alimony.

alimony

when a marriage ends shouldnt it END? whats with having to support the other spouse for years to come with no end in sight? If it was someone who had no job skills and stayed home taking care of the family, then I could see temporary help until they retrain. but just open ended FOREVER? that is just highway robbery. AND the court is instructed not to consider the new family and subsequent children. I feel this is extremely unfair. as far as the court is concerned we do not exist. so they say ok Mr. Man makes 10 gazillion dollars a year and his expenses are only 9 gazillion. what is he doing with that other gazillion? give it to the now ex Mrs. Man. oh you mean he wants to put his children through college? too bad. pay up buster or we will make YOU PAY. There is hardly any legislation for alimony/spousal maintenance. and dammit it sucks being the NEW Mrs. Man and having to live your life in the shadow of the old Mrs. Man. I hope someday she will get hers. on this plane or the next, what goes around comes around.

Friday, August 8, 2008

A day at the fair

the babies are exhausted (husband included). The two little ones napped on the way home and husband is napping now. I thought since he napped yesterday it might be my turn today but I guess not.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

this is what bugs me about the Christian right

There is a christian group that apparently has some objections to sex on tv programs because the characters arent married. if they do not want this to influence their kids then by all means TURN OFF THE TV. its a parent's right to do just that. It is not a parent's right to make sure that they protect every person in the country from things that go against THEIR values. I personally do not allow my kids to watch ANY shows with sex acts, implied or otherwise, married or single characters. problem solved. But do I ram MY values down YOUR throats? We dont watch violence either. but do I insist you raise your child that way? You just take care of your kid, and let me take care of mine. I dont need you to "guide" me. I am doing just find all on my own thankyouverymuch. I dont need to be saved from myself. I dont need to be saved from hell. What I NEED is for people to realize their faith is just that, THEIR faith, not necessarily mine. Do I try to make you conform to my atheism? nope. Atheists just go about their business and fight against being discriminated against. they do not ring doorbells and tell you about the joy of not knowing Jesus. They do not press you to unsave your soul. I just need people to realize that they need to do whats right for them and respect that it might not be right for others.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Today is 4h day at the fair

the kids are scrambling to get their projects finished. One is making cookies, one is making cake. Why didnt I have 4H when I was a kid. I would have loved to make things to put in the fair. It really sucks that the fairgrounds are an HOUR from here at LEAST. and we have to go via cambridge to get a matting for Chrysta's photos. I was sure I had one but I cant find it anywhere. I dont know if I tossed it, rummage saled it, or its still here somewhere. So they are doing foods, arts and crafts, and photography. One was doing plant science but didnt do a project for that. No one is doing info board this year. thats good because after they work so hard on it they are never quite good enough. it seems they WANT them to do info boards but they dont like them as much as actual hands on projects.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

a forgotten intuitive moment

when I lived in Duluth I had two little kids. I was taking them to the library, The big library downtown. We lived in the western part of the city. My options were to take the freeway, or take the other roads. It was a nice sunny spring/summer day so I took the route less traveled. When we got to a fairly busy intersection there was much slowed traffic, a traffic cop, and an accident ahead. I slowly drove past when it was my turn only to realize the person was sitting in the car that had been hit by a dump truck who failed to stop at a stop sign. The car was seriously messed up. The driver looked annoyed more than anything. She was sitting in the passenger seat with the door open waiting for police to do their thing. That woman was my mother. I pulled into the gas station that is right near there and left the kids locked in the car(which I rarely did, but I couldnt take them with me so what choice did I have?) No one even attempted to stop me from entering the scene. I found my mom and hugged her and asked if she was alright. she was. If I had taken the freeway I would never have even seen there was an accident.

Monday, August 4, 2008

the sense of entitlement and worry that one is working harder than the other is really annoying. No one bothers to think of how much I do. not even today. today they carry on like fools. no one has said the words. I dont care about gifts. I just want to hear the words. I want them to think of someone other than themselves for a change when I sacrifice everything for them. all my energy, all my money, all my time. all for them.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

where oh where is my lissy? I miss you lissy!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

What am I doing wrong? My daughter attacked me today! I used the N word(no) and she shrieked and attacked me! she has taken to screaming since she learned it from her big sister. She drew blood! I think she is sorry but I totally cut her nails so she wont be doing THAT again. I told her that adults who attack others go to jail. did she want to grow up to go to jail? or did she want to grow up to live a nice life? this child is so strong willed. its HER WAY or the highway. your way is not even considered unless its the same as her way. She dug in my purse(after her brother did the same) and came out with a sucker. when I said you need to ask, she asked. I told her no she wouldnt get it right now because she took it without asking. she just went off. She eats all day long. except dinner. she doesnt eat dinner, probly cus she eats all day. I have tried locks, I have tried alarms. I have tried spankings. Short of following her around every single minute of the day there is no way to keep her from snacking. but geez I gotta pee sometime or answer the phone. or let out a dog. and the minute my eyes are not on her she is in the cabinets searching. I thought the other one was difficult but this one is beyond. I am not allowed to leave for even 5 minutes without her losing it and begging me to stay. crying and carrying on. but when I am here I am shit and she doesnt care. go figure. she is just never happy....unless she is eating. and preferably chocolate. pms already?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

how can you be mad at her for writing in the dust on your car when she is so excited that she actually wrote her name? how can you be mad? you just cant. at least I couldnt.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

email petitions that go nowhere

I got this email about how you should sign this petition and when it has 5000 signatures send it to xxx. and it went on to say if you dont sign it you are a terrible person and cruel and unfeeling and so on. now nowhere did it say what this petition is petitioning. so why should I feel guilty for not signing and passing on to everyone I know? Its crap.

In the paper today, it says a woman was arrested for prostitution for having sex in exchange for gas. I say thats not prostitution its BARTERING! she used what she had to get what she wanted. why is that so wrong? if we have a piece of gold we can go ahead and exchange that for something else we want. but if we give of ourselves THEN the shit hits the fan. something is seriously wrong in this country.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

happy 4th of july

happy independence day. happy birthday america. (a little early because I will be away from computers on the 4th)

Friday, June 27, 2008

OHMYGOD RAE!

while I was at your house the storm sirens were going off in town. scary.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

psychic energy

I love ghost hunters. I love the new show Psychic kids. I love reading about paranormal encounters. I have had a few experiences in my life that make me say hmmm, but I do not have an every day feeling that I have psychic ability. How does one hone such a skill? When Eric and I were first dating we had made plans to drive to the Bayfield Apple Festival for the day. The kids were with their dad so it was just us. I had just gotten my new van. So I was going to drive us down there. The night before we went, I had a dream about a car accident involving us and a white car. large white car. We went to bayfield. Had a super time. brought our own hot choco and drank too much and had to stop at the gas station on the way out of town. I had to pee soooo bad I could NOT go on until I got a chance to use the bathroom. There was a line. I waited. I waited. I waited. FINALLY I got to go. Then we happily carried on our merry way. And we came upon a recent accident involving a white van. the van was in the ditch. I dont recall the other vehicle but I remember thinking how my bladder made us miss that accident. coincidence?

Another time I went with my friend Hiedi to her mom's with all the kids(and all her kids) and it all worked out that I had my own bed in a room with no one else in it. I woke in the night to something white on the edge of the bed. I asked my friend about it the next day but she never said anything more about it. I wanted her to ask her mom about it but I dont know if she ever did. Life gets in the way sometimes and she has even more kids than I do so I cant blame her for forgetting.

When I was a little girl, my bestest friend was Lisa. Lisa lived in a house that had previously housed an elderly couple. The man is said to have died there. He had been ill and the furnace malfunctioned is the story and he just died quietly. They had only 2 bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs and a very small landing which the 3 rooms and the stairs were arranged around. Her two sisters werent sleeping in the room with us. Her parents slept with the door closed as did we. and in the morning no one we asked reported using the bathroom in the night(which would have been across the hall from lisa's room) but at some point in the night we both were awakened to a bright white light hovering over near the closet(both beds were oriented to be facing the closet.) We were terrified to move or breathe or speak. It felt like forever but I suppose it wasnt that long and then it was gone. we both saw it. we both felt that terrified feeling. and we verified that the drapes were tightly closed. not to mention the room was on the second floor in the middle of the block so it isnt like there would be turning vehicles shining lights in. so what was it? We never did figure it out.

I never feel anything at our current house. but its fairly new property and house. My parent's house though is old. very old. and it has been added on to and is a little wierd. It was in an immigrant neighborhood. I lived there most of my life. A few things happened over my life there. It was once a rooming house. There is a staircase in the front as well as in the back. We rarely if ever used the back and when me and my brother moved upstairs it was blocked with styrofoam to help keep out the cold from the unheated room at the bottom of the stairs. That staircase as well as the room at the bottom of it have haunted me always. Nothing specific, just creeped me out. even in daylight with my parents in the room upstairs I remember being completely terrified (but faced it) to go down those steps. I still get creeped in the room at the bottom of the stairs. My folks use it for storage but it used to be mine and my brother's room when I was a baby. it is behind my folks room so you have to go THROUGH their room to get to it. I remember only one time anyone used those stairs and it was my mom freaking out because she heard noises and dad was gone and she got scared and ran up to wake my older brother who came down with his shotgun. Of course nothing was there. they rationalised it to be the dog chain rattling against the house outside. but mom thought someone was rummaging through the drawars in the end tables in the living room. was it the chain? I dont know. Their basement creeps me too. I turn on every single light along the way if I need to go down there. always have. always will. When I was a little girl I was sure there was a crocodile down there. thats unreasonable but there could well be spirits that make my hair stand on end. Someday when I am brave I will research the house's history. Not sure how to go about that though. Maybe if I can find the abstract. or hit the library. anyways. there are things there that have always bothered me. The kids vid recorders are capable of recording sound and my mother virtually begged me NOT to try and record anything for fear of what we would find.so maybe stuff there creeps her out too but we have just learned to live with it.

My aunt lived in the upstairs at one point. I should ask her if she ever experienced anything strange. Another thing that happened is one night I woke in the middle of the night(as a child in that house) and I saw flames in the reflection of my mirror. Fire is my ALL TIME HUGEST fear. I was frantic but looking towards the wall that the mirror faced saw nothing. I lay awake for a long long time. my mother did tell me once that there had been a fire there at the house. and there was proof of it when they recently remodeled.

I used to read after my parents put me to bed. I would hide a book under my pillow and then turn on my lamp and read after they left. I was sure I was so sneaky they didnt know(until they started searching under my pillow when they said goodnight haha) but one night I turned out the lamp and went to sleep as far as I can remember. I woke sometime later and it was on. I couldnt figure out how it came on but turned it off and went to sleep thinking perhaps I fell asleep reading and cant recall and the book fell down or something.

So thats a lot of coincidences dont you think? Certain places completely creep me out. make the hair on my neck stand up. make me feel I am being watched. but how do i take all these things and turn them into something more, and something useful?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Pregnancy pact

ok they made a pact. and then they didn't. and how is this illegal? how does this affect me? So prego teens are up. great. thanks for the statistics. now move on. let it go. Why do we need to keep harping on this stupid story? either they made a pact or they didnt. I dont care either way. And as far as I know it isnt illegal to get pregnant. if you dont want to get pregnant then dont. if you dont want your teen to get pregnant then teach them. teach them about birth control. about how much work it is to raise kids. and even then you have to step back and let them run their own lives at some point. Unless you watch them every minute they will find a chance to have sex if thats what they want to do. so why are we still reading about this stupid pact or nonpact. WHO CARES?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

YAY! for gay marriage

If you love someone you should have the right to marry them, make a permanent commitment if you so choose. I do not think that the gender of the parties makes any difference whatsoever. Congratulations to all the newlyweds in CA. I wish you the best. and I hope for more states to get a fucking clue. I don't really care WHAT your bible says about it. It isn't a bible issue, its a HUMAN issue. If you loved someone and wanted to commit to them forever, wanted to share your health insurance, wanted to know that you would be allowed to be with them when they are ill or on their deathbed and someone said no. you cant make that commitment. you arent allowed to be with them as they convalesce or die. you arent allowed to provide for them. You would be pissed. I would be pissed. and with good reason! I say Kudos to California for getting it right. The rest of the states should take a lesson from them.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

if "results are not typical" and participants have been remunerated, why should I buy your product? so you paid people to say "its great" and "they lost ten gazillion pounds" and then you say "results not typical" meaning most people wont lose ten gazillion pounds. so what good is your product if it wont help me lose the weight and you have to PAY people to say its good stuff?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

My Aunt Jan

My dad's sister Jan has always been around. When I was a little girl she would come for Saturday and stay all day and we would have a big spaghetti dinner. She would crochet and knit barbie clothes for me. She would lie on the floor and color in my Barbie color books with me, teaching me how to make the clothes look like they had texture by coloring in different directions. She gave us perms. She had Christmas at her house several years and we all went up there. She always bought me something special for Christmas. I loved going to her house in the country. I would walk up the big hill to the fence and talk to the cows on the other side. I would pick her "flowers" and she told me they were thistle. and when I loved them she told me she loved them too. She had two sons. She didnt have any grand kids until I was about 10 or 12 so I was her special girl. At least I like to think I was. She would take me to the cabin for the weekend with her and Uncle Jim. When Ralph the cat left a dead mouse on my bed she explained it was because he was proud of it and it was his way of saying he liked me(he didnt like me.)When I was scared a bear would come through the window above my bed and eat me she let me sleep with her. When I was scared because my dad wasnt there she slept with me. I loved her like no other. I will miss her like no other.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Tori Spelling has saggy baggy boobies. Thereby proving that even celebs fall victim to gravity.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

what the hell is a NATURAL craft?

I took my sewing projects(and very nice projects if I may say so myself!) to the local farmers market. they told me it wasn't a flea market and and I should look to flea markets where I would surely be welcomed but they don't sell THESE KINDS of things (as if I were trying to sell my dirty underpants!)at the farmers market. Only NATURAL crafts. I packed up my stuff and left. she told me it was OK to stay for that one day but made it clear I better not return. I didn't bother staying. I have never felt so unwanted anywhere in my entire life as I do in this town. I will never belong here. I do have a few friends, good ones even. but mostly I am either A)not wanted or 2)ignored. Some days I try to feel good about being here. about what I DO have. this is not one of those days. I do not even want to go to the store. I don't want to go anywhere. At least not in this town. I want to go to Mora to shop. St cloud. I don't want to go anywhere. Tomorrow is 4H. I don't want to go. GS has to plan their summer activity. I don't want to. I don't want any part of any of it anymore. It is constantly repeated in ways and actions and words that I am not welcome. I do not belong. I shouldn't bother. and yet I do bother. I need to stop all the things I do. This farmers market thing really greatly upset me. I am so hurt by all the people who ignore me/blatantly say things to hurt me. Once I thought the anonymity of a big town was worse but now I yearn for it. In a big town, no one knows or cares who you are. they don't judge you based on how long you have lived there. I will never be a part of this town, no matter how many activities I get involved in. It isn't my town. It will never BE my town. and at this point, I don't even WANT it to be my town. they can keep it. it isn't all that great anyways.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I added another facet to this

This is my opinion blog. I added a home school blog as well. Hopefully I can use it to keep track of what we do around here.

so lets see....any burning opinions today? how about why does everyone want to drop their kid into an activity and then sit back and have a hands off approach while letting someone else do all the work? Does it occur to them that the people who DO step up and run this stuff have lives and stress and business as well? but still they run the program for YOUR kids so YOU can do nothing. what if everyone did nothing? what if we all sat back and no one put a program out there? then what would they do? they would have to sit at home with their OWN kids and parent them. Heavens! cant have that! I am tired. I am tired of being the only parent who steps up to the plate. I have two girl scout troops. I coach soccer now. I even took on making a curriculum for preschoolers at church. (I gave that one up though)I am a 4H parent. Where are the parents of these other kids? there are 6 girls in one of my troops, and ONE mom regularly comes to the meetings and sits there doing nothing. the rest don't bother to help out in any way except to bring snack once a year. The other troop has 7 girls. One other mom is my co leader. the other moms? nonexistent. nothing. Nada. snack once a year is the biggest commitment they can make to their children. If it takes a village to raise a child, that's because the parents don't raise them leaving the village to take over because SOMEONE has to raise the kids. they don't raise themselves. In your average family the kids go to school 8 hours a day where someone else looks after them, to sports or scouts or the library after school where someone else looks after them. then its dinner and bed. or dinner and more clubs/sports. why then are we the home school parents the weirdos when we choose to actually RAISE our children ourselves? we spend time with our kids getting to know them, teaching them, watching them grow. we aren't sending them out into the world for schools and other programs to parent them, teach them, watch them grow. If our kids are involved in something WE are involved in it. Like I said, children won't raise themselves. It's me or society that helps to dictate who they will become. I have seen the kids who have been shaped by school and no parents. I want better for my kids. I will be their parent, mentor, guide, teacher, and everything else. It is the most important job I will ever have. I have to put my all into it. I can't afford to fail.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

What's the deal?

why do people get so upset about the Native people following their traditions? I hear derogatory statements on thist topic here and there and even quoted in the paper from time to time. I think its good for them to hold on to their old ways. The world would be a very different place if the rest of us held on to the ways of our ancestors. I do not begrudge the native people their ways. They were here first. If this is to be a "land of the free" that means that everyone should be able to follow their traditions without grief from others. No one is standing at your church doors on sunday saying "there is no God! you are wasting your time! You shouldnt spend your money here." There is a song out by some popular band that says if everyone shared and everyone cared and no body cried and nobody lied. or something to that effect. think about what a different world this would be if we spent our energies supporting each other instead of tearing each other down. Next time you want to say "Those damn Indians ....." stop and think what someone could say about you....."Those damn drunks at the muni." " that bigot!" " that tramp" etc etc etc ad nauseum. I do not spent much time with anyone of the native culture, but only because our paths havent crossed. I welcome native people to move into my neighborhood, or even right next door. I would love to learn more about their ways.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

bizarre dreams

We were going into court in a very serious manner. I was dressed in a long flowy peach colored dress. and i was being pushed in a shopping cart. I was standing in it against the part where the baby would sit. I wasnt very tall. It was me but it wasnt me. and there was this HUGE fireplace with a ROARING fire in it. it was very old worldly. then in comes these guys all dressed in black with kerchiefs at their necks(think west side story) and sort of smirk and say they are ready but lets just get this cart out of the way. they reach for the cart and I reach for it at the same time in horror. they know exactly what they are doing. I need that cart to stand. They must have won and removed it because then I was sitting on the hearth and pating out embers that were burning my dress. and I was really annoyed by people asking me if I was having hot flashes. then someone yelled REVERSE and I was pulling on a rope that was in my hands, I had forgotten what I was supposed to be doing. SOmeone was rigging up a rope sling for me since I couldnt stand without my cart. I never did get to try it out because Chaos showed up this morning and my dog Ole started barking like crazy(630am!) and I had to hurry to get him outside before he woke the whole house. Wonder how it would have ended. and what it means. something about me putting out small fires fighting to keep from exploding into flames. I feel opressed in this town. thats why I couldnt stand in the dream I think. who knows. could just be my subconscious writing a bizarre movie script.