Saturday, April 25, 2009

names I like for a little girl

anastasia carey?
anastasia kendall?
anastasia makenna?
anastasia ruby?
anastasia samantha?
anastasia lee? ( like I and my annabelle lee)
anastasia lily?
Anastasia Claire!
anything else?
I told him about her. I showed him the photo. he read a bit about her problem. and then he agreed that she needs a home. maybe ours.

Friday, April 24, 2009

A little girl

she is three years old. she has no mama or daddy to take care of her. isn't she beautiful? doesnt she deserve to have a mama to cuddle her and daddy to play silly games with her? She is just one of the many many children with no one to love them. no one to hold them close and teach them about life. This beautiful little one will go to an institution where she will live out her remaining days if no one adopts her. Please wont you go to reecesrainbow and pledge to her adoption fund? Your donation could be the one that makes this little girls adoption a possibility for a family. She is so precious and weighs heavily on my heart. wont you help someone to adopt her? We think only of some far away place and faceless nameless children when we think of children without families. Now you have a real face of a real child and I hope she sticks in your mind the way she has stuck in mine and you will do what you can to help her and others like her.

kmart lady on a power trip

I took my daughter to Kmart to buy an outfit for her piano recital. I dont usually go to kmart but it was convenient because its near my moms so I could just run up there quick before dinner. So she found a couple of things to try on. She dinged the little bell. nothing happened so I told her to just go ahead into the dressing rooms. but they were locked. an older lady appeared about that time and demanded my daughter come around to the front of the counter and told us 17 times that we cant just ding the bell(yknow cus thats why its there) and she could barely hear it. and should push the other button that goes to the intercom over the whole store. so now daughter has gone TO the dressing rooms and is now back AWAY from the dressing rooms and then the lady opens the door for her to go in. I was annoyed by her power trip and the STEP AWAY FROM THE DRESSING ROOM act. While I waited for daughter to try on and show me another employee approached me and kindly asked one simple question, do you need to get into the dressing rooms? now which would you prefer? I told her I was just waiting for my daughter. A few minutes later a lady comes to the counter and dings the bell. no one came. she yelled HELLOOOOOOOO! I was amused. waited for bitchy lady to return and give her the lecture but instead nice lady came and let her in and that was it. we finished our business and left. This is but one of the reasons I hate shopping at kmart for anything other than diapers.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What was I thinking?

Thinking I could stay here? I just dont know if I can. I have been asking to move for YEARS. Like since we moved in.  I know it might not seem like it to others but I feel like I have a target on my back all the time. Like my kids have targets on their backs.I so want another child. I really do. but at what cost?  My kids get kicked out of things for stupid reasons. We will never be a part of this town. that much is clear. If we are to stay here I have to come to terms with that. I will be me, same as before, and they will be the way they are and I have to not care. I have to teach my kids not to care. I guess its a good lesson for them.  be what you are and not care what anyone else thinks.  It is so frustrating to feel so left out all the time. I have some friends here. but 99% of the town either ignores us or openly hates us. What have we done? Eric  feels like it will be this way anywhere because we are college educated and he is the doctor and people resent that.  But at least in a bigger city we could find other educated people and not EVERYONE would know at first glance who we are.  I love my husband and want to be where he is. but oh how can I stay here? I love our property, I love our trees and yard and clothes line.  Now if the rest of the town would just go away.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Did you sleep in a warm bed last night? Did you have a healthy breakfast this morning? Did you stop for coffee at the coffee shop? Did you have a hug this morning? now think if you were a child, in a place where food is scarce, love even scarcer, and warmth is not a priority. You dont know if anyone loves you. you dont know what love even is. All you know is the same 4 walls.

Now think if you could do something for that child. is reaching out and trying to help children with special needs find an adoptive home. Adoption is an expensive venture and many of these children would not be adopted without a financial grant. remember that warm bed? coffee from the coffee shop? Couldnt you go to and donate a couple of dollars to a child's grant? There are many children with no grants, because no one has donated to their future adoption. Every child deserves a future dont they? Every child deserves a family dont they? Please help these kids with a donation. Even if you can only donate a couple dollars it helps. Wont you please help?

Feel free to copy and paste this and pass it on to any and all of your friends. Lets change the world together. Wouldnt it be a wonderful world if all children had homes? Orphanages are no place to grow up!

Ever heard of Reeces Rainbow?

If people would just go there and donate just a couple of dollars to a childs adoption fund and help him or her find a family. Skip that cup of coffee at the coffee shop and donate to help a child find a family.

HE mentioned adoption

oh yes he did! so right now its a maybe. depends on a lot of other things going on, like moving or not moving. but maybe is better than no no no. AND I think I am coming to a place where I can be ok either way. If we stay I would love to adopt again, and if we go and dont get to that will be alright too.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

date night

Eric and I went out to dinner tonight just the two of us.  I had on jeans and a blouse I havent been able to wear in awhile.  I had a house salad with chicken. wow! was that good  We enjoyed each other kid free for a while. and when we got home Ethan greeted us with smiles reserved for special times like "get out of bed free cards"  he was so cute though. And he said "You look beautiful Mama!" very sweet boy. very sweet moment.  Makes the messes he got into today fade away. Now we are going to watch Masterpiece Theater together.  We have been watching Little Dorritt for weeks. Its like a ten part movie! I love it.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Eric has a jumble of thought too

I have come to the conclusion that we will have to give up certain dreams if we go, others if we stay. There are two hospitals in duluth. One we want nothing to do with so it aall depends on the other. if the way they do things isnt suitable to Eric then duluth is just out. There are no independent clinics anymore. they are all owned and run by one hospital or the other. I am half hoping now that they wont be what he wants. I did mention to him staying here and adopting. he wasnt mad. I have a hard time judging what his reactions will be to things. I always think he is mad at me even when he isnt. My alcoholic childhood I suppose back to haunt me. He actually sounded a little open to the idea of adopting if we stayed here. I didnt push it. I didnt say any more about that. but now I am hoping again. I just dont know what will happen and that is so hard for me. waiting is not my specialty. its not something I am good at. I will just try to keep busy.

today is cloudy and overcast and cold. Maybe I will get some sewing done. I have several pillow case dresses waiting to be made. I have chubber covers to be made. I have a package for megh and sheamas to gather and send. I have blankets to finish. I could make more silkies. I have lots of things I could and should do. There is always laundry needing to be done. I guess I better go get started. Eric is on call today so I am home all day

Friday, April 17, 2009

a jumbled mess of thoughts.

I hung out some clothes today on the line. it ws so nice to do that. It was bittersweet though because there are no diapers to hang. I love doing diapers. I love hanging baby clothes. I love hanging regular clothes but its a special love to hang diapers and baby clothes. It makes me sad. We wouldnt have as large a property if we bought the church we are going to look at and probably wouldnt have a place to hang clothes. I would really miss my clothes line. but as I was hanging clothes, I wondered if I really want to leave her as much as I think I do. would I give up moving to stay here and adopt a child? I want to move from here but I dont. I want to stay but I dont. I want a baby but I cant. cant always get what you want. if you try sometimes you get what you need. what do I need? most poeple will tell me I need another child like I need a hole in my head. moving would give us new opportunities, for the kids as well as for me. there is just nothing here. I might consider sending my kids to school if I felt better about the school. at the same time the kids have made friends here and they would have to leave them again. well maybe the church will not be what we want or need. maybe the hospital wont be what Eric wants. then I guess we dont have to think much about it. we will just stay here awhile longer. maybe if we didnt move I could save up more for an adoption? will he ever be on board for another adoption? does he understand my deep desire for another child? I know there are things he wants but doesnt buy. we could stay here and he could buy his double barrell shotgun, I could adopt(maybe?) he could fish and hunt but he couldnt do the greenhouse here. GRRRR. so many thoughts so many directions. and still 4 more days until we do anything associated with moving. selling this house would be hard. so maybe we are stuck here. or maybe we will stay and make the best of it. I just dont know. As dad always says, whatevers gonna happen probably will.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

can someone tell me

just how does the Obama family's choice of dog affect the president's ability to govern?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Intorducing......the AMAZING ETHAN!

this is 6 and half year old Ethan on piano. nary a lesson. he just likes to make up his own songs. he coudlnt take lessons this year because he wasnt reading yet. sometimes he just plays around and sometimes he does things like this.

Friday, April 10, 2009

well it happened

someone else committed to him. we were waiting to hear from a cardiologist. I am majorly disappointed. totally bummed. even more so because I know if I bring it up again Eric is going to sigh frustratedly and shake his head and get grumpy. It sucks. a lot. and I was totally looking forward to a baby boy. now I am back to square one. the hardest part is we cant DO anything else either.

looming diappointment

I found the same child we were considering was on but now he isnt. he was deleted by the agency. A different agency than we use. but what does that mean? has someone else sent their LOI for him? is he locked now for someone else? He is still listed on my agencies private site. but of course BOTH of them are on the west coast and I am in the midwest so I cant call and confirm anything. I was really looking forward to this. We spoke with a cardiologist yesterday and are supposed to fax her the info today but I am not sure if we should bother her now. If someone else has chosen him it would be a waste of time, hers and ours. but if no one did and he was removed for some other reason then we could send it and hope to hear back. of course today is friday and another week has gone by and I have no confirmation of anything. this is driving me nuts. Husband is driving me nuts. and if someone else has chosen this child and sent their LOI then I will have to start all over with the convincing. Eric will say well maybe we shouldnt even adopt. grrr. Every day I have to look at the empty crib with all the cloth diapers in it and wonder if I will ever get to use them again. why does it have to be so hard? I do not want to spend the money for a HS and then find that we end up adopting from a diff country and have to redo it and change the USCIS. thats a lot of money. If I wanted to go through the traditional program I could do that but I am looking for a waiting child. A child who needs a home because he or she has special needs. this is such a frustrating process. It would help if I didnt have to draaaag husband along into it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

well its boy and I thought it would be a girl. Nothing is written in stone at this point. in fact nothing is written even in ink! Eric is talking to a cardiologist today about it. I know he isnt convinced we even NEED another child but I think he is softening because I did not ask him to take it to a cardio.
but we could have a new baby yet this year.

Friday, April 3, 2009

We may have found our baby.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Hi, Im a dabbler

I dabble in lots of things and find msyelf with lots of unfinished projects. why cant I finish anything? Maybe it is just the constant interruption that happens around here. Maybe its the weather. Maybe I am depressed dealing with the negative one or I am just lazy. I have books unwritten, projects unfinished, quilts unsewn. I have an interest in writing, crafts, sewing, quilts, cooking, psychic ability, and I dabble in them all but master none of them. So I am a woman of many interests and master of none. someone light a fire under me please? I have to work on the book. I am impatient, thats part of it. I want things to happen NOW. and working on things slowly and consistently over time is not as appealing as opening my eyes one day and its done! I need to be a tortoise and not a hare. It is hard for me to focus on anything that takes any energy because I am pretty much it around here. laundry, done by me. cooking, done by me. kid refereeing, done by me. chauffering, done by me. Getting kids ready for bed, done by me. so when I have a moment of peace I just want to savor it and relax mindlessly rather than work on some project. And some of my projects take awhile to prepare for and by the time I get it all set up I don't have a lot of time before I have to put it all away again. so if anyone at all has any oomph or get up and go, please PLEASE send it to me because my get up and go has got up and went(another dadism). It isnt that I don't WANT to do these things. maybe its because even when I do complete things they plans I have for them never materialize. I should learn to just enjoy the process of creating it and not worry what will happen when its done.