a jumbled mess of thoughts.

I hung out some clothes today on the line. it ws so nice to do that. It was bittersweet though because there are no diapers to hang. I love doing diapers. I love hanging baby clothes. I love hanging regular clothes but its a special love to hang diapers and baby clothes. It makes me sad. We wouldnt have as large a property if we bought the church we are going to look at and probably wouldnt have a place to hang clothes. I would really miss my clothes line. but as I was hanging clothes, I wondered if I really want to leave her as much as I think I do. would I give up moving to stay here and adopt a child? I want to move from here but I dont. I want to stay but I dont. I want a baby but I cant. cant always get what you want. if you try sometimes you get what you need. what do I need? most poeple will tell me I need another child like I need a hole in my head. moving would give us new opportunities, for the kids as well as for me. there is just nothing here. I might consider sending my kids to school if I felt better about the school. at the same time the kids have made friends here and they would have to leave them again. well maybe the church will not be what we want or need. maybe the hospital wont be what Eric wants. then I guess we dont have to think much about it. we will just stay here awhile longer. maybe if we didnt move I could save up more for an adoption? will he ever be on board for another adoption? does he understand my deep desire for another child? I know there are things he wants but doesnt buy. we could stay here and he could buy his double barrell shotgun, I could adopt(maybe?) he could fish and hunt but he couldnt do the greenhouse here. GRRRR. so many thoughts so many directions. and still 4 more days until we do anything associated with moving. selling this house would be hard. so maybe we are stuck here. or maybe we will stay and make the best of it. I just dont know. As dad always says, whatevers gonna happen probably will.