I make sure the kids see their grandma and cousins that I can get them to. but cousins were around from out of town and father of the year went to visit but didnt bother to take the kids or even ask them to come. no he is more concerned with himself. If I didnt take those kids to see their grandma they would NEVER EVER see her. ever. I have also decided that the kids can ask their dad if they can get a passport and go to Ukraine. that way if he says no its all on him. and they will know its all on him and they can go ahead and be mad at him instead of me the messenger who always has to be the bearer of bad news. except since he is out of town with the fam he has his phone turned off so no one can reach him. some father of the year. doesnt want the kids to know he went to see the fam so he turns off his phone. there is a reason I am no longer married to him. and I thank GOd or my lucky stars or anyone who will listen that I was smart enough to leave when I did. because look at all I have been given since then. A LOVING husband, two more wonderful kids, one on the way, a nice house and land that WE enjoy together, family time and family outings, and best of all...NO LIES! NO GAMES! NO GUESSING! all is on the table. I am very lucky.

eric wanted to go today and help out at the campground but now he had round and do an H and P so he wont get home until its too late. so I guess thats out. I can hang some clothes on the line though. and I have some sewing to do. but yet here I sit. on the computer and watching scrubs. basement needs cleaning. a lot. so yeah there is lots of things I could be doing. should be doing. but all I can do is sit here and plan and scheme and worry and wish for Ana.

Eric and I considered taking the big kids with us to Ukraine, one at time. But I am not sure their dad will go along with that. he is a jerk that thinks only of himself and actually DOESNT want better for his kids than he had. he already said they shouldnt go to summer camp because he never did. I personally think he is just jealous that we can give them those things and he contributes pennies to their support and nothing towards their medical or activities(even though he is SUPPOSED to pay half) its all about his control. still. 10 years later. and I imagine until both kids are 18 it will be much the same. but let me tell you BOY! I cant WAIT until they are both 18 (4 years for one and 6 for the other) and no longer need his permission for ANYTHING. He didnt come to Chrysta's piano recital because he was punishing me for sending the kids to piano lessons and summer camp and getting them medical care and then having the nerve to send him the bill for his half. He wants me to get his permission before letting them do anything. that is bull. He sees them a few times a year and I am supposed to ask him about everything the kids do? NOT! you wanna be father of the year then be INVOLVED not just IN CHARGE.

whew that went off in a tangent there didnt it. Chrysta is playing piano right now. she was motivated by some of the younger kids playing harder songs than her at her recital so she has been playing a lot lately. she has a flute concert next tuesday which I dont believe her dad will be attending. right. father of the year.

well I guess its time to get off the computer and do SOMETHING. anything.

names I like for a little girl

anastasia carey?
anastasia kendall?
anastasia makenna?
anastasia ruby?
anastasia samantha?
anastasia lee? ( like I and my annabelle lee)
anastasia lily?
Anastasia Claire!
anything else?

I told him about her. I showed him the photo. he read a bit about her problem. and then he agreed that she needs a home. maybe ours.

A little girl

she is three years old. she has no mama or daddy to take care of her. isn't she beautiful? doesnt she deserve to have a mama to cuddle her and daddy to play silly games with her? She is just one of the many many children with no one to love them. no one to hold them close and teach them about life. This beautiful little one will go to an institution where she will live out her remaining days if no one adopts her. Please wont you go to reecesrainbow and pledge to her adoption fund? Your donation could be the one that makes this little girls adoption a possibility for a family. She is so precious and weighs heavily on my heart. wont you help someone to adopt her? We think only of some far away place and faceless nameless children when we think of children without families. Now you have a real face of a real child and I hope she sticks in your mind the way she has stuck in mine and you will do what you can to help her and others like her. reecesrainbow.org

kmart lady on a power trip

I took my daughter to Kmart to buy an outfit for her piano recital. I dont usually go to kmart but it was convenient because its near my moms so I could just run up there quick before dinner. So she found a couple of things to try on. She dinged the little bell. nothing happened so I told her to just go ahead into the dressing rooms. but they were locked. an older lady appeared about that time and demanded my daughter come around to the front of the counter and told us 17 times that we cant just ding the bell(yknow cus thats why its there) and she could barely hear it. and should push the other button that goes to the intercom over the whole store. so now daughter has gone TO the dressing rooms and is now back AWAY from the dressing rooms and then the lady opens the door for her to go in. I was annoyed by her power trip and the STEP AWAY FROM THE DRESSING ROOM act. While I waited for daughter to try on and show me another employee approached me and kindly asked one simple question, do you need to get into the dressing rooms? now which would you prefer? I told her I was just waiting for my daughter. A few minutes later a lady comes to the counter and dings the bell. no one came. she yelled HELLOOOOOOOO! I was amused. waited for bitchy lady to return and give her the lecture but instead nice lady came and let her in and that was it. we finished our business and left. This is but one of the reasons I hate shopping at kmart for anything other than diapers.

What was I thinking?

Thinking I could stay here? I just dont know if I can. I have been asking to move for YEARS. Like since we moved in.  I know it might not seem like it to others but I feel like I have a target on my back all the time. Like my kids have targets on their backs.I so want another child. I really do. but at what cost?  My kids get kicked out of things for stupid reasons. We will never be a part of this town. that much is clear. If we are to stay here I have to come to terms with that. I will be me, same as before, and they will be the way they are and I have to not care. I have to teach my kids not to care. I guess its a good lesson for them.  be what you are and not care what anyone else thinks.  It is so frustrating to feel so left out all the time. I have some friends here. but 99% of the town either ignores us or openly hates us. What have we done? Eric  feels like it will be this way anywhere because we are college educated and he is the doctor and people resent that.  But at least in a bigger city we could find other educated people and not EVERYONE would know at first glance who we are.  I love my husband and want to be where he is. but oh how can I stay here? I love our property, I love our trees and yard and clothes line.  Now if the rest of the town would just go away.